Just some thoughts.....

         Since becoming a Mom I feel like I have seen and experienced so many things already. I know that this is only the beginning and that the experiences that are to come are going to be just as eye opening and life changing. But until I get to those moments I can only comment on what I know so far. In the past 10 1/2 months I have been overwhelmed, scared, joyful, happy, sad, depressed, frustrated, angry, I have felt like a failure and I have had moments of feeling like I just might be getting the hang of this.
          For those who know me can  attest to the fact that I like being prepared and I like to have control of all my circumstances. Feeling out of control and not prepared is a scary and most often very discouraging place for me to be in. Parenting has been that only life experience where I feel like I have met my match as far as being in control and always being prepared. I have allowed things I have read, peoples comments and opinions,and the little voice inside my head to dictate and measure my success and/or failure as a mother. Women have a way with words, as you may know. We know how to build each other up but we are masters at  knowing how to tear each other down. As mothers we all have this desire to be the best we can be. To have it all together, to be the mother of the year. NO ONE can see our failures or insecurities because, God forbid, we ever be labeled as a Bad Mom. Why do we do this to ourselves!!!!!!! We all know deep down inside that no one is perfect. We all have strengths and weakness. We are human beings for goodness sake!! Yet we continually judge each other or say things that tear each other down just because we have this need to feel better about our position in the world.
      Can I be honest with you all......being a parent is hard. In the last couple of months I have agonized over ever decision, I have lost sleep, I have felt lonely, depressed, overwhelmed. I have felt ashamed because I was not able to give my son things that other moms have the ability to give to their kids. I have lost my temper, I have held my son and shed tears of joy, thankfulness, and desperation. Desperation, because I am so desperate to be the perfect Mom and yet I feel like I am constantly falling short. But over the last week or so the Lord has impressed on my heart a few things. He has shown me that in my weaknesses He is strong. In my desperation He is my calm in the storm of life. In my discouragement, He is my hope. And in my loneliness, He has never forsaken me.

I will never be the perfect Mom. My decisions and choices wont always be the most popular. I don't now and probably wont in the future have it all together ever second of everyday. But you know what.... that is Okay.  Because our purpose as Mothers is not to perform for other Mom's, but to be transformed by God everyday into the Godly mother he desires us to be. So, and I place myself in this as well, I want to encourage all the mothers I know out there lets stop the performance. Lets be real, lets be honest, lets be doers of the Word and not hearers only, lets be the Mothers we are called by God to be.

Hebrews 12:1-3 (NIV)

 "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, ² fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ³ Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV)

^"6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (ESV)
"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong"

New Year, New Beginnings and NO resolution. :)

As this New Year approached I began to consider what my resolution would be for the upcoming months. The normal resolutions are just not good enough anymore. Eating less, exercising, being more on time, etc, etc are usually put aside within a few weeks and then I feel like a failure. Being in the "pit of despair" (thanks Anne of green gables for that lovely phrase) at the beginning of the New Year is dismal at best and not how I want to start out. So I have gone back and forth. This New Year brings a lot of exciting prospects as well as its own set of challenges that every year so thoughtfully brings to us. I am so tired of putting such high expectations on myself. My husband very sweetly says to me often that I am my own worst enemy and as much as I hate to admit that he is right...well..he's right. I am a perfectionist. Not in every way, but in a lot of ways. In the past if I made a resolution and did not complete it one day or messed up I would quit. I would get angry that I was not good enough to begin with and would just throw in the towel. Then as years past I just would not do anything. I mean if you never try you never fail..right?
Well, if we never fail we never learn either....

So what does this mean for 2014? Well, I am different person in many ways this year. Manly because I am now a mother and what I do and how I do it is no longer about me, but about my son.

Never trying is not an option anymore.

Quiting because I do not feel good enough, or pretty enough, or spiritual enough is not an option anymore.

So for 2014............I WILL NOT MAKE A RESOLUTION!

But...I will try to exercise when I am not doing laundry, cleaning dishes, changing diapers, wiping tears and kissing boo boos.

I will try to eat better when I am thinking of what to make for breakfast, lunch and dinner for my family.

I will try to be more organized while juggling a baby, a marriage, a home, grad school and an enormous amount of other responsibilities.

I WILL make the time to spend time with the Lord. Because in all honesty nothing in my life will be accomplished with out Him.


All of these goals will have there ups and downs, but that is okay. Why? Because I am not setting myself these high expectations that cannot be fulfilled. But I can set goals that I can strive to accomplish all the while knowing that everyday is different and I am not sure what they will bring. But the Lord knows my abilities and my limitations. He knows how much I can handle and when my load is to heavy. So there it is. I guess you could say my resolution for 2014 is not to have a rock solid, have to get it done or I will die, unreachable resolution. I am looking forward to living life with my little boy, my husband, our family and friends in 2014. I am even looking forward to my failures and of course my success's. But most importantly I am so excited to see what the Lord will do this year. Honestly the New Year is more exciting to me then Christmas because it is always full of God's blessings and provision. I may not know what He will do with our family this year, but whatever is in store will be an amazing journey for my little family.


So Happy New Year everyone!! Enjoy the excitement of seeing what the Lord will do!

                                                                                    

 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11

When God pushes the pause button.....

Yesterday was what I consider to be a pretty bad day. Nothing seemed to go the way it was supposed too. I was tired, the baby was overly fussy, I was worried about him, the house just did not seem to get organized no matter how hard I tried. Then to top it off I tried to make something new for dinner which almost burned the house down, ruined a tray of cookies and was not very  nice to my husband (because of course he was the reason my day had gone bad...shakes head.....oh how immature I am). I spent the remainder of the evening fuming and thus had another rather sleepless night. Yes, all of that did happen in one day....shocking....but I am sure I am not the only one with a bad day here or there. So this morning I drag myself out of bed to make lunch for the hubby and kiss him goodbye still wearing the remnants of my bad attitude of the day before. I kept thinking selfish thoughts such as why did yesterday have to happen to me....why did I have to do this and deal with that.....and on and on went my pathetic mental soliloquy. So this morning I was eating breakfast and was scanning through my facebook page and I happened upon this tribute video a Mom made of her little girl. As I read the title I could literally feel the Lord push pause on my day......this tribute was of a little girl who lost her life in the Sandy Hook tragedy on Dec 14, 2012....one year ago this weekend. I pushed play and watched how a family had been through one of the most difficult situations and how they had found peace and hope.

God pushed the pause button.....

As I watched this video, with teary eyes, I felt ashamed. Here I was complaining and in reality just being a really big pain in  the rear end wishing that I did not have to deal with everything that was going on in my life. And then this family handling the worst possible circumstances and they are thankful....their not complaining, their thankful.

Sometimes God needs to push the pause button in our lives to help us understand that this life we live is not about us. It is not about me getting my own way  or having a perfect day all the time. No, our lives need to be about Him. Everyday needs to be about how I can glorify  Him and surrender myself.

This weekend as we continue our lives, finish (or begin) our Christmas shopping, enjoy moments with our families.....please take a moment and remember the families of Sandy Hook and lift them up in prayer.

The Good, the bad, and the beautiful moments of motherhood thus far....

So I have been a mom now for 6 weeks...6 WEEKS!!....where has the time gone. I mean I was always told that the older you get the faster life goes, but I guess I just never understood what that meant. There are so many things that I have learned since becoming a Mom. Once Jonah was born I realized that while I was pregnant I was a Mom, yes, but not until this little man was placed on my chest did I realize what that truly meant. So here are my thoughts of motherhood thus far.

The first lesson I realized is that breastfeeding is no joke. I mean I guess I always believed those ads you see where the Mom is looking absolutely perfect with hair done and makeup flawless and she is smiling down at her little one. Her baby is in the perfect nursing position, perfectly latched on and perfectly content....yeah, ummmmmm that's a bunch of crap. At least in my experience nursing has been not so blissful...don't get me wrong...I enjoy that fact that I can give my baby what he needs and there are some moments that are okay. But those ads paint a picture that's not so true all the time. Like when I am up at 4 am, half asleep, with a screaming infant who wont latch on, and then proceeds to puke down my shirt.....sigh....yeah . But, all ranting aside, despite my not so blissful experience I have to say it is worth it. It is worth going through the pain and the frustration for those beautiful moments when my son looks up at me after eating, full, satisfied and smiles. It makes all the late nights, all the puked on shirts, and all the tears of frustration completely worth it.
Another lesson I have learned is that being a Mom is a sacrifice. You might be thinking well..DUH! I know, I know...I knew it would be, but I didn't realize that it meant the possibility of not getting a shower some days until before I fall asleep, or that my clothes would become burp clothes, or that my normally clean house would turn into a messy house (that drives me crazy). But again its worth it because while I may have to learn to suck it up and deal with these things, what I gain is moments with my son that I may never get back. Lets face it I can always fit in a shower at some point, clothes can be replaced, and there will always be dirty dishes and dirty laundry whether I have a new born or not. What I wont always have are these precious moments. I have been able to see him become more alert and recognize my voice, I get to comfort him when he doesn't feel good. I get to memorize his face while he's sleeping in my arms. These are the moments I wont get back. So I have learned to take quick showers, wear clothes I do not care about unless I am going out, and not get all bent out of shape when my house does not look the way I want, because enjoying these priceless moments with my son are worth more than all of that.
Another lesson I have learned is that I am a paranoid parent. Yes, its true. It may not shock you, but it sure shocked me. I mean I have been around kids so much that I thought I was not going to let little things get to me. Like how often he is passed around, or whether peoples hands are sanitized, or worrying my head off about his safety. Well, I proved myself wrong. I am pretty much always concerned about passing him around depending on who we are with. Most of the time when I am with other people inside I just want to be like: "I am sorry but you can only look at my son and while your at it please do not touch him or breathe near him." I also feel the need to order hazmat suits for visitors so that germs do not come near him. In fact if I could install a shower room outside my house where people could be sanitized before entering my home that would be even better. I understand how ridiculous this sounds. I mean I have argued with myself so many times to just chill out. I mean yes he is fragile, but just like every other baby they can with stand more then we realize. (I still think the hazmate suits are a good idea though).

Despite my breastfeeding nightmares, the sacrifices that I am learning to make, my paranoia and countless other lessons I have learned so far I could not be more grateful for my life right now. I mean I am living my dream job!!! Seriously, this is all I have ever wanted. Be married to the man of my dreams and be a stay at home Mom. I know some might think I am insane to want that and honestly it may not be for everyone. But its what God has called me to do. It is what he designed me to do and I love it!!!

So for those out there that are new moms or moms to be hang in there. We got this!! You will have good moments and bad moments. You will feel like a bad mom at times, you will probably shed a few tears, but I promise you its all worth it. So take a breath, let it out and enjoy the good, the bad and the beautiful moments of motherhood.  :)

An Early Blessing

Over the past nine months I had been told over and over again by so many people that first pregnancy go the longest. I was told to not get my hopes up that I would be early or on time, because first babies always take their time. Honestly, I was fine with this. I wanted our baby boy to be healthy and strong and to come into this world when he was good and ready. So Davy (my husband) and I were slowly but surely getting ourselves prepared for his arrival, but knowing that it may be longer then expected. At 37 weeks I made sure our hospital bags were packed just in case, but never really thought I would need them ahead of time.  I had baby shower back at home on Sept 14th. Most amazing baby shower ever. We were so blessed and overwhelmed by everyone generosity and love for our son. At the shower I again was gently encouraged to not get to frustrated if this baby took his time coming. Well, he proved everyone wrong. LOL! At 4:00 the next morning, three hours away from my doctor and hospital, my water broke. Since this is my first baby I was not quite sure that what had just happened was actually my water breaking. But within minutes my contractions started and were consistent. I called my Mom and my hospital and was encouraged to go home and wait it out. So at 7:00am on Sept 15th, my husband helped me into his truck and we left his parents house to head to either the hospital or our home depending on how I was feeling. In retrospect driving three hours with my water breaking and contracts beginning at about 3min apart and lasting longer then 30 seconds was a bit crazy. The doctors at the hospital thought so as well. :)......I have to say it was a memorable trip. Stopping at a sheetz and walking in while trying to breath through a contraction and not have my water break all over the place was a difficult task. My husband driving through a red light as we got closer to the hospital may be cliche, but again its a funny memory of my birth story. Once we got to the hospital and checked in and got a room my contracts had slowed some, but were still somewhat intense. I was already progressing pretty fast and my nurse thought that we would have this baby pretty soon. We were so excited, but I was worried my Mom and sister (who were on their way) were going to miss it. Little did I know that they had plenty of time. My birth plan was simple. Have a baby as naturally as possible, but all the while just wanting a safe and healthy delivery. I wanted to see what my body could do. I did not want to use a medications if it wasnt necessary. Thankfully this hospital is amazing and they respected every wish that I had on my birth plan. Never once pressuring me into doing anything I didnt want to do. But after 24 hours of labor with no progression past being 6cm dialated and the fear of the baby getting an infection or lack of oxygen or both one doctor suggested I try pitocen. I respect how he explained everthing to us. He never pushed us into anything he very respectfully suggested some alternatives and said that my husband and I should talk it over. The fear was that if I did not progress that I would need to have an emergency c-section. Well I chose to have the pitocen which was not on my birth plan. But we needed to speed things up and I was physically so exhausted after being in labor for by then over 24 hours. Sadly the pitocen did not work and only made my labor more intense and my contractions unbearable. My body had been working so hard that by this time I really had not much left. I remember sitting on the edge of the bed feeling very defeated. I had not cried at all, but at the point I could not hold it in any longer. I remember my husband putting my head on his shoulder and saying that I needed to consider an epidural.

Deep down inside I wanted to scream NO! I can do this. My body is made for this! I just need more time! But my head was telling me your baby is more important then your pride and what you think you need to prove. At this point I think my mother instinct kick in and it did not matter anymore what people thought if I got an epidural. It did not matter if it made me look weak or unable to handle pain. My mission at that point was have a safe delivery and a healthy baby boy. So I recieved the epidural which HELLO!! was the best form of medicine ever known to man in my opinion. I was able to rest and within a matter of hours I was 9 1/2 cm and ready to deliver.

So after 39.5 hours of labor and delivery my husband and I welcomed our son, Jonah David, into this world. He is healthy and strong and more loved then any baby I know. That moment when he was put on my chest was the most amazing moment in this world. I remember looking at my Mom and saying how he was so worth going through all those hours of labor.

I could not have done any of this with out my amazing support system. My husband was incredible. I cannot explain how in those hours I grew to love him more then I ever have. He was rock the whole time. Encouraging me, advocating for me, pushing me to keep going. I am once again in awe at how blessed I am to be apart of this man's life. He truly is the best husband in the world and is now proving every day to be the most amazing father.

I also could not have done it without my Mom and sister. They were with me the entire time. Making me laugh, Encouraging me, praying for me. It was such a comfort and help in those moments when I literally felt like I could not go through one more contraction and my Mom or my sister would say "you can do this. You have come this far. you can get through another one." They were amazing and I am so grateful to them for not only being there, but then staying with me for over a week to help me adjust to being a mom. Our relationships have grown so much stronger in these last few days and I will never forget the memories that were made.

My husband and I could not have accomplished any of this without the prayers and support of our family and friends that came and stayed at the hospital for hours. I could feel every prayer and I know it truly helped.

So the moral of the story is....you never know when a baby is going to decide to come into this world. But the good thing is the Lord knows and Jonah came on the exact day and time that He wanted him to be here. I never thought I could love someone so much. He is my answer to prayer and I am so thankful to God for given Davy and I the priviledge to be his parents.

For those that read this that may be pregnant for the first time or want to be in the future I want to encourage you with something. Make a plan for your labor and delivery. But do not feel guilty or unworthy if for some reason it does not work out. I know the descions that my husband and I made allowed our baby to be born safely and that is what matters. If things do not work out as planned so be it. The Lord keeps reminding me of a verse, Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Sometimes our plans do not work out because God has something better for us or he knows what is better for us. So make a plan, but trust God to work everything out in His own way.

~Summertime Happenings~

As I have said before I am probably the worlds worst blogger when it comes to being consistent. I just get so busy, which leads to exhaustion, which leaves me staring at a computer screen not really wanting to relive everything I just did. I am sure there are others out there who understand what I am saying. So because so much time has passed since the last time I wrote I decided that rehashing everything in a really long drawn out post would be soooooo boring. So instead here are so pictures highlighting all our summer happenings!

My Lovely Sister graduated from College!!! 

So proud of her!!! 

We had a Gender Reveal Party!!! 

So cute!!! 

We are having a baby boy!!! 

Jonah David Bass, Due October 2, 2013!
Can't wait to meet him!!! 

I got a new sister in law!!! Love her!! 

We are not a family to be messed with...lol! 

We went to Hawaii!!! (This was right after a ten hour flight....we were so happy to finally be there!)

It was a vacation we will never forget!!!! 

A little getaway :)

So this past Wednesday my sister and I decided to leave for Easter vacation alittle early and surprise my parents. It was awesome!!! I have not had the chance to surprise my parents since college so it was fun to see my Mom's face when we walked in the door. Very priceless moments. :) I will admit being home and having my mother spoil me for a couple days was amazing!!! I think ever since I found out that I was pregnant I have just missed being home. I think the combination of going through something that you have never gone through before and then combine that with the constant nausea and vomiting I guess I just got alittle overwhelmed. And when I get overwhelmed I tend to want to be in a familiar place which for me is back home where my parents are. Everything there just kinda..I dont know...doesnt seem as scary or challenging. Maybe its just that I have been blessed with an amazing relationship with (in my opinion) the best parents in the world!

Yeah I know that we are supposed to challenge ourselves and live our lives out of our comfort zones. But seriously people there is nothing wrong with just wanting to be near your Mom sometimes. I am the type of person who likes to know everything about every new stage of life. I right notes, I read books, I research until I literally cannot think anymore. This is a blessing and a curse because while I might be prepared I am also so overwhelmed with so much information and thats when I tend to crash. Thats when the worries, the fear, the anxious thoughts of whether im mommy material start creeping into my brain. So add all of these thoughts with the fact that I was going so stir crazy being at home because I was so sick for so long and you have a the potential for an atom bomb effect in my home. I am pretty sure my husband was so easy to convince about letting me go home because he could see this potential disaster and wanted to be as far away as possible :) Needless to say an emotional explosion was averted as soon as I walked into the door of my parents house and smelled the familiar house smell, and ate my  mommas good food, and enjoyed laughing and joking around with my sisters and brother. Like old times. Honestly I do not remember the last time when our family was together like that and it was the best medicine in the world for this overly emotional and slightly irrational pregnant woman.

After being on this trip I have learned and was reminded of a couple of things. The pregnant sicky feeling will go away.....eventually, I  really love my own bed despite this amazing vacation, that family is more important then anything else, and nothing compares to my Moms home cooking. But more importantly I was reminded by my incredible smart Mother that the Lord has a plan for this baby and that while I will never be the perfect mother He will guide and direct me to be the the kind of mother this baby needs. All the books and research and note taking can not compare to just allowing God to work everything together the way he sees fit.

It was an amazing weekend and yes, I did shed a few tears as we drove away from my parents house. I think it was a combination of being upset that I ended up throwing up my mothers wonderful Easter lunch and just being so thankful for the time I got to spend with them and not really wanting it to end. Thankfully I have a husband who understands my ridiculous need to cry all the time and is always there with a supportive shoulder and a joke or two to make me laugh.

All in all it was an wonderful little getaway and I am so thankful for my amazing family, for my wonderful husband and his family and more importantly for God orchestrating my life in such a way that I have the awesome blessing to be surrounded by the most encouraging support system. It truly is gift.